Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
