If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
