Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
