Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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