i love accidental penises.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
my liver is dry heaving
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
