My first STD was from a foam party
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
