I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
