dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
