My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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