I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
