You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
