omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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