On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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