just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
