I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
