another moral hangover. fuck.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Randomize
