Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
