we're chasing vodka with high fives
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
