And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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