Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
