dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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