Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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