I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
