Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize