It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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