Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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