They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
