I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
