The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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