last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
