so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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