Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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