Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
