I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
