alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just sucked dick on a ferry
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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