Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
