just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
