I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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