Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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