I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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