He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
