come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
