Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
