I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
