she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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