I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
