i just wanna soil my oats bro
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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