I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
