So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
