I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
