you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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