oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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