So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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